Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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