i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
