K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So vagazzling was a success
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
