If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
