Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
