you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
