yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
