1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
