Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
