Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
