I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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