Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
