Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
