If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
