woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
