My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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