Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her vagine was all disorganized.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
