dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
