My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
