i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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