i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
