taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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