Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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