Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
