Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
