Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's always time for handjobs
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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