Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
