i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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