I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
