just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
