Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
