I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
