When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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