I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
