The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
