and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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