two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
