My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
