I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
