I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
