tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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