3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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