While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
