I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
