Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
