You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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