Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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