I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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