Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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