I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
