3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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